So much time has passed and I keep asking myself, what is missing from the days I loved being home with Rhowan...I think it may be blogging. I miss the days of being a mommy, sharing my thoughts, feelings and obstacles of mommy hood. With working full time those obstacles are even more so, therefore all the need to blog more. However, not a minute of time to do it. :(
Here we are in May of 2013, approaching summer (I can't wait to be home with my girls), Harloe's 2nd Birthday, and so much more. I am finishing my second year working full time as a teacher at the private school and feeling totally blessed, however over worked and overwhelmed. I feel so under appreciated as a teacher and wonder how to balance my life as a mommy and teacher every second of the day. I can't even tell you how many times I pray about it and ask God, "How can I find a balance?" I know I am not listening because I am sure he is telling me, but I just keep going, going and going. Then boom! Blessed with another baby on the way and due this October, right before Rhowan turns 4. So once again, lots of prayers, questions and seeking of guidance is under way. I couldn't be happier to be where I am today, given so much that TJ and I have worked so hard for and have always been so passionate about. Who can honestly say they get to do what they always dreamt about. Here we are, both blessed in our careers and a growing family and life is so chaotic that we forget to stop and enjoy that and be thankful for it. I am sooooo guilty of this!!! I have bounced back and forth between being a stay at home mommy and giving up my passion for a time the girls are in school to keep grinding it out because its taken me so long to get here. We all know with TJ's career it makes those priorities to my children even more so. I feel that guilt when I am not with them. I feel the loss that I didn't get to share the time I did with Rhowan with Harloe. I feel the pain of not knowing what to do now with another little one on the way and my kids being so small and close together in age. Then I feel the defensiveness I have to answer to with people saying and looking at me like I am crazy for having another baby on the way. Why does that bother me soooo incredibly much. Why do I feel like I have to stop the stares, the comments, the passive aggressiveness in people? I have never been one to care what people think. Now I feel like I am consumed with it. I feel like people forget what it is like to have young children, to be a mom to small kids. People and their patience and compassion are long gone. When I am in a restaurant, grocery store, church, etc. Even at my own workplace at a school function. Again, why am I letting this get to me so badly?
I do have to say that so much good has come from my job of working at our home parish. I have met people I think I will be life long friends with, genuine people. I have had the opportunity to give my children their first sacraments at the very church I was raised in. I have finally felt that connection with God, that void I had all these years of knowing my religion and the roots of it and my relationship with God and what that meant. I have tried to be a better person with all these contributors, however, I have still managed to struggle with the balance of my role as a mom, wife and teacher (working full time). With the third one on the way, that pull and struggle is even more so. The unknown is scary for me as I am a planner on steroids.
With all that being said we are so incredibly busy with another baseball season coming under wraps, a school year ending, house plans underway to remodel and our two busy princesses.
I know there could be so much more to be dealing with and that I am grateful for. We are healthy, happy, blessed and have a roof over our heads with two paying jobs. We have it sooo good!!!
