Most of you will agree that you often hear me say, "Leave it up to God," or "Just allow things to fall into its place," "All will work itself out," etc. It's about dang time I take my own advice. I don't know if it's hormones lately, adjusting, just being overwhelmed and tired, being totally over critical of myself, too high of expectations, or just me being a stress case.
I have been really bumming it this past week...a lot on my mind, just thinking ahead, that come August neither TJ or I have jobs to fall back on, ins. for any of us and our careers passionately waiting to take off. When we got married who would have ever thought, almost 4 years later we'd still NOT have our careers off the ground. I have been really good about saying, "God will take care of it." Which he has been. I have such strong faith in knowing He will take care of us, but it is just scary. I am so scared for TJ to go away all summer, although I couldn't be more proud of him, I am scared that come June 1st he has no more stable income from his day job, which means no ins for Rhowan?! That kills me, I have been researching up and down trying to figure out our options. I could care less about TJ or me not having ins. but not our little princess. I will not allow that to happen. I have a long term coming up in two weeks to carry me through the end of the school year...12th grade government, which I am really nervous about, seniors, oh God! However, it will allow me to not have to work in the summer and have our house paid for the summer and then once August comes, that's it. I am just trying to "Leave it to God," and hope it all works out. I am just having such a hard time with all this right now and its really taking over me. I had a long, tiring week at work, stressing about summer, bills, my husband leaving, insurance, and everything else, I just can't seem to move forward. I feel like everything has been going so well for us and I just don't want it to start going backwards.
Then I have my overly self critic that tears myself up and down...I want to be the best possible mommy and wife I can be. I feel like there is always something I can and should be doing better. I want to make sure I am not creating bad habits or some of the kids I've seen in the career that I am in, I see a lot that I know are the product of home lives and parents. I don't want to repeat those mistakes. I kill myself over making sure Rhowan never has to come from a broken home. I want her to have two parents that are so in love with each other forever. That is so important to me. TJ and I have grown up together and I want us to live out our dreams together for better or worse.
I always think I am doing something wrong, second guessing myself an my friends and family have been telling me, "Heather, its ok, she is doing great, you can leave her for a few hours to have "you" time, leave her for a night, its normal...I just haven't been ready for that...however, I finally got coached through it and am glad I did it. Everyone has been so supportive and making me feel like I am not crazy. I feel like I over think everything and I don't want to do that, I want to enjoy her for the moments we will never get back. She is the light of our lives. She is our princess and has filled a void in my heart that I never knew existed or knew it was there, but didn't know why...now I know, I was meant to be a mommy and need to just enjoy it.
Well I've totally babbled, gone on tangents and this all probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but thanks to all our family and friends for being a part of our lives. Thank you for all your continued support, love and prayers.
Love,
The Bruce's
Heather I think you are on the right path, God has not led you wrong before and as long as you trust in him he never will. Everything in life happens not by accident but because God planned it that way! Just take one day at a time and try not to dwell too much on the days ahead. I have been through some hard times that now I look back on and it amazes me that I made it through, but then I just remember that there is one reason I made it through..God was always looking over me, helping me along the way. Even though he may put challenges before us every challenge has a purpose even if it may seem unclear at first. Keep your head up and keep smiling everything will turn out great..and if for some reason it doesn't I am always just a phone call away!! Love you so much!!
ReplyDeleteHeather: YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOTHER AND WIFE! Don't ever forget that! And remember that no one is perfect and all we can do is try our best and give our all. God will always provide as long as you have faith (and I know you do:)...). It is TOTALLY understandable that you are worried = fear of the unknown. But, I truly believe that God has a plan and in the end everything will be okay. Josh, Caleb and I went through a transition period after he got out of the CG where we were not going to have health insurance, so I signed us up for a self-insured plan under Blue Cross (Full coverage for Caleb and only Major Medical for Josh & I) and it was about $80-100 per month total for all of us. Start researching and I'm sure you will find a not so costly solution. Thank goodness all of you are healthy (it could be worse).
ReplyDeleteI know it is easier said than done, but try not to stress so much because it will only make you feel worse. Miss you much and hope you have a wonderful time in San Luis Obispo!!!
XOXO
-Belia