Drying up?! :(

It is so weird...I was just off for 3 weeks, enjoying time with Rhowan and capturing moments I will never be able to get back as she is growing so fast. I went back to work this week and have Spring Break next week. Then in May I possibly have another long term to finish out the school year with...which would totally make us set so that I wouldn't have to work this summer! :) Yay, I get to be with my princess all summer and we can go visit Daddy in Alaska...which btw I found cheaper flights for on line today, so we'll be booking that soon. I am thinking we will spend about two weeks there in June or July. Oh just thinking about it brings me to tears. TJ has been out of town the past two weekends and each Thursday morning when he leaves we sit there and say goodbye for just a short weekend and I am in tears! Yes, tears! I know...I just hate being without him...and its so hard for him too...he goes into Rhowan's room and just stares at her, eventually waking her up, so conveniently ;) and calls as much as he can to talk to her on the phone. She just smiles when he's on speaker and grabs for the phone to eat it! Like everything else she can get her hands on. Its to the point where you have to move everything out of her grasp area so that she doesn't grab it and try to eat it! Oh and she is pretty much sitting up on her own now, just not very balanced for a long period of time. Still no teeth have broken through, but oh boy, our night time routines have gotten rough...first I thought it was me because I broke her schedule Saturday night and then Monday night for Daddy's birthday (I will post pictures late, my computer was acting up) but no, she is just uncomfortable...pulling on her ears, crying after being down for a short time and taking about 2 hours to stay asleep after, its really hit or miss...I've stayed consistent with oatmeal, bath, nurse or bottle (stay tuned for the actual point of this blog, "drying up?") and then rock to sleep. I don't know what it is, age, teething, separation anxiety, testing me, ???? I just don't know. Last night I felt so helpless and TJ and I tried everything to calm her and finally after 2 hours of crying she fell asleep on my chest then went down in her crib at 10, sleeping through the night til 6 then back down til 8 after I nursed her. Normal mommies?
So bringing me back to the whole point of this...sorry ahead of time for the TMI, but here it goes...when I went for my yearly womanly exam in Feb my dr recommended the IUD for me, its a five year birth control you can take while breast feeding with the low hormones and you can take it out earlier if you'd like. We had a super long discussion, this is why I love my dr, she teaches interns at the hospital and explains everything in great detail, I was worried about having a hard time getting pregnant again. I had a really hard time getting pregnant before being blessed with Rhowan. It was one year ago tomorrow actually, that I found out...Yes, Happy April Fool's Day right? Ana and I were having a girls trip to Palm Springs, I was just a few days late, but thought, just in case, and bam!!! Ok, anyway...I am scared or was scared it would take another 2 years and didn't know if birth control helped or hurt that...she put my mind to ease, but then my ins. cancelled because it was a crappy one anyway and the premium and deduct able raised so I figured, we need to save a payment I will go HMO with TJ and Rhowan. Well, open enrollment isn't until June, so no ins for me right now. :( With that all being said, Monday I started spotting, and I couldn't believe it. I have been nursing Rhowan full time, been home with her for three weeks now and have nursed her with a bottle just here and there. So then I thought, well spotting is normal. Well I've been lightly on my period for three days now and hardly producing any milk since. Now, my goal was 6 months, which is just a few weeks away, so I am happy about that, but I've loved nursing Rhowan so much that I was going to keep going with it. Not to mention the great benefits of it for her, me and our pocket book! :) I used to be engorged in the am and pm to nurse her and now hardly am. I hardly even have enough while at work to pump at lunch. In a way I feel like its good and probably time to start weaning just in case I get that long term in May I'd have to dry up...its high school and the schedule doesn't allow for me to pump to keep my supply going. BUT I am soooooo sad over this. I called my mom on the verge of tears, well ok, I was crying, because I love nursing. I feel that bond, holding her and holding her hand, being able to calm her when she is upset, etc. I will miss it so much. So do I just let myself dry up and do am and pm feedings or try to re work up a supply? Why did I start my period? I don't understand. ;( Anyone?
I know I can get pregnant now everyone...I am very aware...we don't want two babies super close together, we want to really fully enjoy Rhowan and being a small family for now. Although, we would like to try in two years to be blessed with another baby.
Wow, I went off on a lot of tangents, I started with how could I be drying up when I was just off for 3 weeks, mostly nursing Rhowan with a bottle only here and there. I kept getting interrupted by our princess...this is two nights in a row shes woken up crying and not going back down. I have put her pacifier back in, picked her up and rocked her back down, nursed her and put her back down for the past two hours now...again, what is going on? Normal? Well time to get our lil missy back into bed, as its 3 hours past her bed time. Sorry for the tangents everyone and thank you for tuning in. When I say I am upset and stressed about something that is putting it lightly!
Have a great rest of the week. Hopefully I can post pictures soon...my computer isn't being my friend right now!
God Bless,
The Bruce's